


Ardor and Arbor

by Invernam



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adult Content, F/M, Original Character(s), Semi AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-21 07:27:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/897539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Invernam/pseuds/Invernam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Semi AU: What if Eren hadn't been able to make it in time to save Mikasa from those men? How would the following events change her life and her as a person? Slight EreMika in later chapters and plausible LeviMika in the distant future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Living With The Dogs

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any part of Shingeki no Kyojin (damn). 
> 
> WARNING: This fic will take a hard look at sensitive subjects such as rape, prostitution and child molestation. Read at your own risk!

_Flashback Year 841, Wall Rose:_

_She was six years old when she first got a glimpse of the wall._

_Not that she knew of its significance at the time. To her it was just an annoying edifice that did a damn good job of ruining a-- what would have been-- spectacular view of the lands and horizons beyond. That was the whole reason she climbed this stupidly high tree in the first place. What was a hunk of brick to put to waste all of her hard earned efforts?_

_“Mikasa get down here! I thought I told you last time to stop climbing trees so high! If your mother sees this she’ll have both of our heads!”_

_Mikasa looked down to see her father waving up at her with a semi-panicked look on his face._

_“Daddy what’s with that weird thing surrounding all of the lands,” she asked, ignoring her father’s plea from before._

_“What are you talking about honey? What thing?”_

_“Uh, you know…the structure that’s circling around all the land.”_

_Realization dawned on his face._

_“You mean the wall?”_

_“Yeah, I guess. Why is it surrounding everything like the fence mom put up around the chickens?”_

_Mikasa watched as her father’s face morphed into that awkwardly sheepish expression he always used whenever she asked him a question he preferred not to answer._

_“I’ll tell you later okay? Now get down here before your mother gets here and tears a piece out of both of us.”_

_Mikasa relented, quickly and efficiently sliding her way down the giant oak and into her father’s strong arms. As they made their way back to the house she once again pressed her father for his answer. As she did so he merely sighed and buried his large, calloused hands in her hair, ruffling it affectionately._

_“‘Like the fence mom put up around the chickens’, eh? Child of mine, sometimes you really do amaze me with your insight, despite your young age.”_

_The look he received from her in return was one crossed between irritation and puzzlement._

_“Mikasa what are fences supposed to do?”_

_“They keep things from getting out.”_

_He gave her a tight lipped smile at her answer._

_“That’s correct sweetheart, and that wall you saw surrounding the land isn’t much different. Except some fences aren’t really meant for keeping things from getting out as much as they are there to keep things outside their lands from getting in.”_

_Mikasa’s brows furrowed at that. “What kind of things,” she asked. She could’ve sworn she saw a shadow pass over her father’s rugged complexion. But like any shadow, it was there and gone, soon to be replaced by his usual gentle smile reserved only for her and her mother._

_“It’s nothing to worry about sweetie. Could you take these berries to your mother? Oh and please don’t eat too many out of the basket while you’re at it this time.”_

_She flushed at her father’s light hearted jibe, remembering how her mother scolded her for helping herself the last time. What could she do? She loved wild berries, especially the berries out here. Her father would bring some from the market on occasion but for some reason they couldn’t compare to the ones she and him would wake up early to hike further up the mountains for._

_As she came closer to the house she allowed herself a moment to muse on the fact that her father completely and successfully evaded her question. Furthermore she had let him get away with it._

_Perhaps his answer wasn’t one he was ready to give and one she wasn’t ready to receive…_

**\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_Flashback Wall Sina, Year 846:_

_Mikasa laid sprawled eagle on the lumpy mattress and scratchy wool bed sheets staring out the window at the right side of the bed. Through its dirty glass she could see the hustle and bustle of the town outside. She watched as well tailored men and fashionable women paraded around the streets elegantly and casually. Yes, everything within the inner district was refined; everything was in higher quality and nobility was commonplace. Especially in comparison to the dusty streets, the chaotic and unorganized market places, and the rugged people of Wall Rose._

_The inner district felt like a world in and of itself, so blatantly disconnected from the rest of the human territories. Here, one could almost believe that the appearance of the Colossal Titan and the loss of Wall Maria and the Zhiganshina district had never taken place._

_Of course the brighter the area, the denser, darker, and evermore present were its shadows, and this inner district had plenty of them. Mikasa could thank the wall she could see so clearly outside of the window for casting them. Looking at it brought her a sense of melancholy. She remembered how distant it seemed back home. She closed her eyes and pictured the deep greens of the forest, the fresh smell of earth and rain, as opposed to the stench of alcohol and cigarette smoke that littered this rat hole._

_“Hey girl, you okay over there?”_

_Stormy grey eyes opened slowly and moved to regard the girl sitting in front of an old dresser and vanity. The swirl of negative emotions slightly abated in the wake of amusement she garnered from watching the ridiculous expression on her close companion’s face as she outlined her eyes with a smoky dark liner._

_“It’s nothing, I was just thinking.”_

_“It’s almost like another world here isn’t it?”_

_Mikasa snorted._

_“It would be if you didn’t have to put on that ridiculous costume and charm those pigs just to make some money.”_

_Her response came in the form of a pleasant laugh._

_“Jeez you’re starting to sound like Revekka! Well I’m sorry to say that we can’t all make a living by picking the pockets of rich men like the two of you!”_

_It was Mikasa’s turn to chortle in amusement._

_“But Winnie, isn’t that what you end up doing anyway? The only difference between what we do and what you do is a matter of perspective; and the willingness of the victim.”_

_The girl called ‘Winnie’ joins her in small sniggers._

_After that a silence ensues, one far more comfortable than it had been before. Mikasa watches as Winnie runs an old brush through her thick golden locks. She always did garner a morbid sense of fascination as she watched Winnie prepare for her work. She looked as though she were a famous performer preparing backstage for a majestic show. And in a way she was._

_Well, excluding the ‘majestic’ tid-bit anyway…_

_She would sit in front of her vanity with various makeup jars, perfume bottles, as she worked. A little bit of blush here, eyeliner there, with red paint for her plump lips. Face paint to conceal the bruises left by the last line of clients the night before donning fancy jewelry, heavy perfume. Gone was the ordinary girl Mikasa knew. In her stead was a divinely beautiful creature that could charm a man with a look._

_It disgusted her._

_When the rich old men or their spoiled sons paid for Winnie’s services they weren’t paying for her. They were paying for this fantasy. It was an idea that even scumbags like them could lay their hands on something so close to feminine perfection. Winnie played the part as perfectly as she played them. Every look, every touch, every word, all a carefully constructed act, but beneath the mask was a girl like her; irreparably broken by the world they lived in, vaguely hoping for something more._

_Unlike their other companion, Revekka, Mikasa had long given up on keeping Winnie from walking down this road. In fact, it was thanks to Winnie’s ways with men that they were able to get into the inner district in the first place, as one of her clients happened to be a member of the Military Police._

_“Rotten bastards,” Mikasa murmured under her breath._

_“That they are”, Winnie mused as she arranged her long blonde hair into an elegant ponytail, further complementing her round face._

_Two years ago she had met Winnie and Revekka at a brothel she was sold to. Both her and Revekka were new arrivals whereas Winnie had already been working there for who knew how long. Had it not been for Revekka, she would’ve still been there. The same could be said for Mikasa as well._

_“Well what do you think,” Winnie said as she rose from her seat and made a well rehearsed gesture of her figure in Mikasa’s direction._

_Mikasa took a good look at those big, expressive baby blue eyes accompanied by a round face, fluffy cheeks, a full mouth and small nose with a dimpled smile. Her hair fell down her shoulders in graceful cascades of curly harvest gold color waves. Winnie was a conventional beauty with her skin, eye and hair color but a beauty nonetheless. A trait that was further amplified by the makeup, the heady perfume, the jewelry and her costume._

_To a man she would’ve been a goddess incarnate. But to Mikasa, she looked like a shadow of the witty, spirited girl she had come to care for._

_“I think this is my cue to leave,” Mikasa said in a neutral tone._

_Winnie rolled her eyes and made a shooing motion with her hand. Mikasa stood and made her way to the door giving her friend a gentle pat on the shoulder as she left._

_Be it in Stohess, or Trost the heat was hell. Then again, Mikasa never did take well to the heat, with her pale complexion that didn’t tan as much as it burned and her stark black hair. She idly noted just how many people she caught looking her way as she strolled down the semi-crowded area. It must’ve been strange to them to see an unusual looking young girl walking on her lonesome._

_They should take a trip to Wall Rose and its outer districts sometime. Seeing children like her was much more commonplace in that area. She snorted at the idea of THAT ever happening. Since the loss of Wall Maria a year ago people closer inland have become much antsier about travel between walls. Scratch that, people inland had become much antsier in general._

_Not that Mikasa couldn’t understand the source of their paranoia. Unlike those living further out, the people in Wall Sina had no additional wall to hide behind during an attack._

_No good. She couldn’t think about that right now. She needed to shift gears. Instead she mused over Winnie, who by now should be going through her first wave of clients._

_She remembered how she met Winnie for the first time in that terrible place._

_The madam who ran the expensive whore house she had been sold off to two years back had taken one look at Mikasa’s face and nearly gasped. She looked at Mikasa with a greedy glint in her eyes, knowing full well what sort of beauty the nine year old little girl would grow into. And knowing what sort of money she would make when that time came. She was quickly placed under Winnie’s instruction. The madam had expressly stated that she’d be left untouched until the day came when she bloomed into a woman and would replace Winnie as her top courtesan. Then the money loving bitch would sell her virginity to the highest bidder._

_Because of that decree she was spared the horrors both Winnie and Revekka had to endure in that place until their escape. But nonetheless that brothel had left its mark on all three of them in one way or another. Especially Winnie who had gotten used to the routine and the stability the whore house provided over her years of working there. Whereas Mikasa and Revekka possessed near unnatural physical prowess in strength and agility, Winnie had her sharp intuition and her charm garnered from the years she spent seducing men. Whereas Mikasa and Revekka could pick pockets and outmaneuver even the Military Police themselves, Winnie would have men willingly throwing money her way with her wiles. It was what she was trained to do. It was all she knew how to do._

_Out of the corner of her keen grey orbs Mikasa caught sight of her other companion. Revekka was perched on the roof of a building, enjoying the succulent taste of a watermelon she undoubtedly stole. Upon striding into the alley of the structure her friend sat atop of, Mikasa spotted a small stand in its rightmost corner with a beige colored tent draping over four bulky wooden poles. Doubtlessly it must’ve belonged to a former street vendor. Just above the thing she could make out a square indentation that suggested the presence of a window on the side of the building it rested on._

_It wasn’t hard for the eleven year old girl to deduce how Revekka had gotten up there. She bent her legs and leaned forward ever so slightly, storing potential energy in her calves which then exploded as she bounded for the stand. In three moves she leapt onto the cloth and from there managed to take hold of the window sill before using all of her strength to heave herself over the side of the building and onto the rooftop._

_From in front of her Revekka turned her head to regard her heaving form with an impressed, expectant look. She let out a low whistle of appreciation._

_“Damn girl, just what are you Asians made of anyway? At your age I was nowhere near that nimble.”_

_Mikasa’s eyebrow twitched at the mention of her heritage._

_“It’s nothing you haven’t seen me do before and you’re far more agile than me. Are you sure your mother didn’t sleep with a monkey or something?”_

_“Har har, very funny you freakish brat. I’m better at this cause’ I’m older than you. The only impressive thing I could manage when I was ten was a good knee in the balls.”_

_“I’m eleven, and you still have yet to teach me your supposedly legendary knee to groin maneuver,” Mikasa groused._

_“Ten, eleven, makes no difference to me. Grow boobs first and then I’ll start giving a shit about your age. Assuming you **do** get tits of course. With your strength and un-feminine personality I wouldn’t be shocked if you dropped a set of balls once you hit puberty. Reason number one not to teach you the legendary crotch shot: it’s a girls only move.”_

_Mikasa’s face flattened as she resisted a childish urge to stick out her tongue. She moved to sit next to Revekka, snatching a piece of watermelon in the process._

_“Well in case you haven’t noticed you’re not so feminine yourself you nasty-she male,” she shot back, garnering some satisfaction from the scowl that spread across her friend’s face._

_“Who are you calling a she-male ya’ snarky little shit. Want me to prove you wrong? Unlike a certain someone, I have the assets to prove my gender!”_

_Mikasa let out an exasperated sigh. Revekka would be the one to have no qualms over stripping butt naked in public just to prove a point._

_“No thanks. I don’t wanna see any of that.”_

_“That’s what I thought. And hey! Since when do rude little runts like you get the right to take part in sharing my catch? If you want a piece of fruit go steal your own! I busted my ass to get that while you were clowning around with Winnie in that rats nest!”_

_This time Mikasa did stick out her tongue and leaned out of Revekka’s reach when she made a grab for the piece of watermelon in her hands. It was only half-hearted though. Mikasa could tell Revekka was only being ornery with her for appearances sake. The childish banter quickly devolved into teasing fun as Revekka mock chased after her in circles on the small space of the roof. It wasn’t until Revekka fell on her butt from exhaustion that Mikasa gave her a rare smile and made to sit at her side once again as she caught her breath._

_“So when does our resident succubus finish up tonight,” Revekka asked as she caught her breath._

_“She said she should be done around midnight.”_

_“Figures. Well from the angle of the sun I’d guess it’s about seven now. I figure we’ve got a good five hours to kill before we head back. We should use the time to help you fill your quota cause my pockets are full. Who needs a pretty face, and a dainty laugh when you’ve got moves like us? It shouldn’t take you too long to rake in a good hunk of cash. This town is loaded with filthy rich bastards who don’t pay attention to what goes on around em’.”_

_Mikasa gave her a considering look._

_“That’s because there are lots of Military Police prowling around the area so they feel they don’t have to.”_

_Revekka scoffed._

_“You mean like that one spiffy looking guy that took one good look at Winnie and almost melted in his own puddle of drool? That guy was as crooked as a swaggler’s front teeth! If all of them are like that then the people that put their faith in them are fuckin’ suckers!”_

_“You don’t have to be honest to be vigilant. Just because some of them are incompetent doesn’t mean they all are. And we’re not Winnie. You couldn’t charm your way out of a paper bag if worse comes to worse, so do us a favor and don’t lower your guard around them too much. This isn’t Wall Rose, after all.”_

_“Hmphf, you’re damn right it’s not Wall Rose. And you’d be surprised to know how convincing one can be when they’re on the receiving end of one of my right hooks. Winnie be damned.”_

_“It was thanks to her that we were able to get here in the first place. It’s also thanks to her we’ve actually got a roof over our heads, even if it is on the crap side.”_

_Revekka said nothing to that. Mikasa could tell she was still holding Winnie’s regression into her courtesan ways over her head. To someone like Revekka who didn’t bend over backwards for anyone or anything, Winnie’s inability to escape her life in the whore house was a testament to how broken that place had left her._

_But then again everyone was a little broken in their own ways. At least, that’s what Mikasa believed._

_Despite her explosive temper, her crude and tactless nature, and her occasional over-confidence, Revekka had invoked a sense of admiration from her._

_Mikasa would see her locked up in the cells below like an animal whenever she went to clean down there. Her clothes would be tattered and her body would be littered in bruises. They were different from the bites and marks she would see littering Winnie’s neck. They weren’t the result of a pseudo affection brought on during the heights of an empty passion. If anything they were far more violent, and cruel; demanding dominance over their bearer that Revekka refused to give._

_At one point she attempted to subtly plea to the madam to release her, claiming that Revekka wouldn’t bring her money due to her un-submissive ways. “Oh how little you understand the vastness of a man’s desire, my little porcelain doll. Some men want a meek little minx, others want an unyielding tigress. Some men will pay good money for the satisfaction that comes with taking such a feisty creature.”_

_So the woman told her. Goddamn her gluttony._

_She wasn’t sure if she would’ve fought back had it been her instead. Giving in was a lot easier than fighting back. Mikasa was certain the only reason Revekka fought as hard as she did was so she could suppress the mounting despair and sense of helplessness one feels when being over-powered._

_As messed up and morbid as it is, the notion that one could still have the will to fight despite the dire circumstances gave Mikasa a sense of hope. Hope that one day too she would be able to completely grasp that force of will herself, and completely dispel the indifferent haze that had fogged up her mind since watching the murder of her parents._

_Granted she was better than she was, since she no longer acted like a doll, but she still had a long way to go._

_She finished up her watermelon in silence and afterwards the two of them set out to prowl the streets for unsuspecting passersby. The money Winnie could make on her own was good, but not enough to support all three of them. And for uneducated cast out brats like Mikasa and Revekka, with no parents and no aptitude for honest work, a dishonest life was the most they could ask for._

_Yes, all three of them were the leftovers of this dog eat dog society spurred on by the confinements of the three great walls and the threat of the monsters behind them. And it was from down below, living a dog’s life where Mikasa could fully grasp the-weak-live-under-the-heels-of-the-strong- civilization they all lived in._

_Because for every brat like her struggling for a good meal, there were all those anonymous people she had seen earlier today out the window dressed fancy, smoking cigars, and living the high life at the expense of her and her pseudo family._

**\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_Flashback Year 847, Wall Sina:_

_The air here was stagnant, and cold. It was so unlike the humidity of the area outside where things had gone horribly, horribly wrong for both herself and for Revekka only a few nights prior. Her hands were bound to a tall wooden pole and the muscles in her knees screamed in discomfort from her forced kneeling position on the floor. Around her were the faces of the jury she was brought before; a mixture of well to do citizens of the inner district and Military policemen. Even some of those batshit insane wall cultists made an appearance and looked at her with a mix of disapproval and condescending indifference._

_The only face that mattered was that of Winnie’s.  To her left she sat with a look of horror on her face. The policeman next to her Mikasa recognized as one of her regulars, had his two hands placed gently on her shoulders in a comforting gesture as he whispered sweet nothings of how everything would be fine and this was for the best._

_Asshole. It’s not as if she was dead._

_Yet._

_“Mikasa Ackerman, as well as Revekka Amsel have been convicted and found guilty of the following offenses: petty left, larceny of the Viscount Artino Archibald of the Stohess District and the murder of two Military Police officials.”_

_There were gasps of outrage from some members of the jury. Mikasa couldn’t give a damn about their horror. They knew nothing of her situation or her circumstances so who were they to judge?_

_And yet they were given the power to do so evermore. Perhaps her fate as well as that of Revekka’s really was set in stone at this point. Maybe the officer attempting to offer Winnie some semblance of comfort understood that better than she did herself._

_“Well Miss Ackerman, I’m sure you’ve already been informed of what sentence has befallen your misbegotten accomplice. Revekka Amsel has been charged with two years of hard labor in the mines and three in prison. Usually I would see little reason in sparing you the same sentence however due to the testament of your friend Miss Winifred Ross and some additional counsel from this jury and the MP, I concede that you’re circumstances deviate from the ones surrounding Miss Amsel.”_

_Mikasa didn’t let it show in her expression, but inwardly her heart was racing in both excitement and fear._

_“Therefore I will offer you a choice Miss Ackerman. You can accept the same sentence given to your cohort, or you can choose to join the 104 th trainee corps that is forming as we speak, and serve out your punishment as a member of the military.”_

_Mikasa’s eyes flew open wide in apparent surprise. Someone like her join the military? She definitely wasn’t expecting that._

_“With that I will call an hour recess to this case. By the end of that time I expect you to have an answer, is that clear? Good. This court is adjourned.”_

_Hardly a moment later had Winnie approached her with the MP guy hovering at her side._

_“I know what you’re gonna say,” Mikasa deadpanned._

_“Well good for you, you get to hear me say it anyway: join the military.”_

_“I don’t want to.”_

_“I don’t give a damn.”_

_“That’s nice to know.”_

_“Ugh! Mikasa please! Edward and I busted our asses to give you this option so please don’t waste all of our efforts!”_

_“You could get them to grant leniency to me but not to Revekka? What kind of shit is this,” Mikasa snarled at her, expression venomous. Despite her ire and her attitude, Winnie refused to relent._

_“I didn’t have much of a choice. They only agreed to offer this choice to one of you and they chose you.”_

_“And they made a poor ass choice at that.”_

_A sudden sting in her cheek had sapped the anger right out of her. Winnie had slapped her. Her gaze snapped forward to meet her baby blue eyes which were glistening with unshed tears._

_“Dammit Mikasa don’t you see what you’re being offered here?! You’re getting the chance at an honest and stable way of living that doesn’t involve slitting throats, picking pockets, or spreading your legs! Something neither Revekka nor I ever had! But you’re different. You don’t have to live like us, we don’t want you to live like us. So please take the chance you’ve been given and use it, otherwise I swear I will never forgive you!!”_

_Mikasa’s head snapped up at that and she regarded Winnie’s teary eyed countenance for a good length of time. In those watery blue eyes she saw something familiar. It was a sentiment she had shared whenever she had seen Revekka rise to her feet after being raped and violently beaten._

_It was that desire to hope._

_“What if I end up having to drop out?”_

_“Well at least you gave it a try. Though I doubt that will happen.”_

_Mikasa growled in irritation. Winnie really wasn’t going to give in this time._

_“What if I decide to join the Scouting Legion?”_

_Winnie’s face shifted from anger and fear to a mix of felicity and relief, much to the surprise of her raven haired friend._

_“Getting to fly around the land with a fancy set of grappling hooks while killing giant man eating zombies suits you a lot more than the boring work in the mines. Especially with your strength and reflexes. And I think the Wings of Freedom would look a lot better on you than the standard prison wear don’t you think?”_

_If Mikasa were a more expressive person, her mouth would be hanging open in a thunderstruck stupor. She honestly couldn’t believe that Winnie would rather have her risk becoming a titan’s lunch outside of the walls, than see her tread down the same road as Revekka. Her shoulders slumped in defeat and she bowed her head in a show of acquiescence._

_“You are hopeless, you know that?”_

_Instead of a verbal response Mikasa’s entire body screamed its discomfort when Winnie practically jumped on her, hugging her tightly and planting sloppy kisses of relief all over her face._

**\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_Present day year 847, Wall Rose_

_Trost District, Military training regimen:_

The heat was terrible, the uniforms were hot and sticky and Mikasa’s long raven hair did little to ward off the heat flocking to one of the few parts of her body not covered by the insufferable cloth. How long had they been standing here? Long enough for her to get a good look at the people around here, that was for sure.

One boy in particular (at least she was sure he was a boy since no man she knew had eyes that large) minutely sparked some interest. She liked the look in his eyes. They shone hard with a roguish determination not at all unlike that crazy look Revekka had back in the whore house when she was trying to fight off those men.

It was then that a rough and hellish voiced boomed over the heads of her and the others with zeal akin to a barking rabid dog.

“You are now officially a part of the 104th trainee regimen! Unfortunately for you lot I, Keith Shadis, have been made responsible for overseeing your sorry asses! I’m not here to give you a warm welcome! As you are now, you’re no more than livestock waiting to be devoured by the titans! Worse than livestock actually! That’s why I’ll be training you useless shits for the next three years! I will teach you how to fight the titans!”

_“So you’re telling me it takes those guys three years to train a bunch of whiny shit children on how to kill a bunch of giant stupid naked people!? Seriously no wonder people question the competency of the military,’’ Revekka exclaimed. Everyone but Mikasa snorted into their drinks._

_“Competent or not, you should show more respect to the people risking their lives while we sit on our asses and wonder why,” she responded in an even tone, secretly enjoying the embarrassed flush that lightly dusted Revekka’s cheeks._

Mikasa stifled the urge to shake her head in exasperation the way she always did when reminiscing of Revekka’s antics. Did she really need to remember that just now?

“When you face a titan in three years will you still be just food?! Or will you become a glorious wall that defends these walls?! Or a mighty champion of mankind who will venture outside them and destroy the titans?!”

Mikasa had a hard time picturing a former street urchin such as herself becoming a champion of mankind. Then again, she never could have imagined that her chaotic life would take her into the ranks of the military either.

Nevertheless she was here, and did well to keep her impassive façade in place, despite the fact that inwardly she couldn’t help but wonder what the hell she had gotten herself into this time…


	2. The Masks We Wear, The Crosses We Bear Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read the damn chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Seriously folks this is probably one of the darkest things I've written to date. You have been warned!!

The scratchy texture of the bark against her bare calves and the feel of solid, hard wood against her rear was one of the few familiar discomforts she found solace in. Under the light of the dying sun, Mikasa Ackerman could be found perched within the high thick branches on one of the sparse trees she had spotted during her tour of the training grounds with the other trainees. Though its leaves were wilting and did little to block out the remnants of the sun’s heat, the tree was big; solid in both the trunk and the roots, and it towered far above its sparse siblings scattered throughout the grounds.

It was also the one closest to the trainee living quarters and dining area.

She figured she had a good hour left before the bell rang to signal dinnertime. She wanted to spend it alone and away from the other trainees. It wasn’t that she didn’t like any of them, she just didn’t know them. And by default she wasn’t a social person.

She readjusted her position on the branch she was balanced on in an attempt to alleviate the soreness in her rear and smooth down her long skirt which had ridden up to her knees due to the way she was sitting. After doing so she leant back on the tree’s firm trunk, shutting her grey eyes and silently mulling over the long day she just had.

**\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_Flashback:_

_“Who the fuck are you?! Where did you come from?!”_

_“Armin Arlert from the Zhiganshina district sir!”_

_“Armin Arlert eh?! Sounds like a retarded name! Who gave it to you?!”_

_“My Grandfather sir!”_

_Mikasa never thought a boy’s voice could go so high. The kid sounded like could piss himself right then and there in front of the whole unit. Then again, no ordinary person would be able to take an unhinged looking man like that barking in their face like some rabid dog, in casual stride. Good thing Mikasa didn’t consider herself to be an ‘ordinary person’. If their instructor thought such an unrefined scare tactic was going to work on her then he could think again. Apparently he thought the same thing when he took one hard look at her stoic expression and passed right on by._

_Interestingly enough he did the very same thing to the boy that stood next to her from the right. The next kid wasn’t so lucky though._

_“Who the hell are you?! Why are you here?!”_

_“Thomas Wagner from the Trost Distric--”_

_“What was that?! I can’t hear you?! Speak louder and prouder boy!!”_

_“Thomas Wagner from the Tro--”_

_“No good!! No fuckin’ good!! Come back when your balls drop!!”_

_“Perhaps you would do well to leave and come back when you learn how to speak in a more reasonable voice. I’m surprised you can hear anything over that obnoxiously loud, out of tune voice box rotting in your throat. And while you’re at it, go see a doctor cause’ you look like you’ve got the damn plague,” Mikasa thought darkly. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the unpleasant sound of the man’s voice (maybe a combination of both), but whatever the reason, she was agitated._

_Between her and Revekka it was common knowledge to most that she was the more level headed of the two, despite the fact that the latter was four years her senior. A fact Mikasa took no small amount of pride in. However, as mild mannered she may have appeared to be on an external level, internally she could get just as nasty as Revekka. Still, no matter how nasty her mood was or how greatly it darkened her thoughts, Mikasa always kept her composure. Call it a side effect from being emotionally jaded at a young age that, despite its morbid novelty, had its uses._

_After twenty or so minutes of this side-show (the instructor’s voice didn’t crack once during the entire time. A feat Mikasa had to give him credit for, despite the fact that she would prefer the sound of grating metal to him) they were lead out of the field single file and spent the rest of the day touring the training grounds. Figuring out where shit was, who their instructors were, logistics concerning classes, exercises, 3D Maneuver Gear, expectations…_

_In essence they were being told in the most tasteless and intimidating manner possible how the next three years of their lives was going to be unadulterated hell._

_Well maybe it was hell…to her peers anyway._

_Mikasa did not take part in that notion. What she saw was three years of routine, with a roof over her head and food on the table. She saw order and stability. Something she hadn’t had in a long time. Granted, it came with a price, but it was one she was more than willing to pay._

_If only for a moment, she felt an invisible weight she wasn’t aware she was carrying lift from her shoulders…_

_Flashback End:_

**\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

“Hey you up there!”

Her train of thought effectively shattered in the wake of a young, feminine voice that boomed up at her from seemingly nowhere.

Cool grey eyes snapped open to regard the young woman staring up at her with an amiable expression on her face. Her auburn bangs clung messily to her sweaty face, and her breath came out in shallow pants. Mikasa could see the tell-tale signs of fatigue within the dullness of her chocolate brown eyes. Nevertheless she seemed eager to strike up a conversation with the raven haired girl suspended in the tree.

“Sasha Blaus, if I’m not mistaken.”

Sasha gave a tired laugh, raising a shaking arm to brace herself upon the tree as she leant upon it heavily, trying to catch her breath.

“So you remembered my name? Either you’ve got a good memory or I must’ve left quite an impression.”

“You left all of us with quite an impression.”

Sasha chuckled in between wheezes.

“Whoops,” she quipped.

Mikasa snorted.

“Hey come to think of it, I don’t think he ever asked you for your name.”

“Mikasa Ackerman.”

Sasha looked up at her with a thoughtful expression.

“That’s a pretty unusual name. Last name aside, I can’t say I’ve met anyone else with the name ‘Mikasa’. Well, Mikasa why are you by yourself in this tree?”

“I like climbing trees,” Mikasa answered in a plain tone.

“Really? I do too actually. I would join you but my legs feel like jelly and I’d probably fall flat on my butt if I tried. But back at home I would do it all the time since my family and I lived so far out in the woods. I’m willing to bet it was the same for you, am I right?”

It was only slight but Sasha could swear she saw Mikasa’s face flash in melancholy before the raven haired girl shifted around on the branch to where most of her back was facing her.

“Yes you’re right.”

Painfully right…

“Hey are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” was the quick clipped response she received in return. “More importantly, I’m pretty sure you were instructed to run until you dropped. You should get going now before the instructor catches you goofing off.”

At the stubborn look she received she quickly added:

“Otherwise he’ll probably take away your breakfast tomorrow as well. And your lunch, if he’s feeling particularly pissy.”

 Mikasa was pretty certain that not even one of the roadside street drug addicts littering the back alleys of the inner district, suffering from a severe case of munchies would’ve been able to match Sasha’s frantic gait as she took off in the direction of the mess hall.

**\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

“Like I said I’ve seen it, okay?”

Mikasa walked into the mess hall, food in hand to the sounds of startled gasps and small noises from others. She saw a small group of people gathered around two individuals in particular. One was the squeaky boy from before, Armin Arlert, and the other was the boy that stood next to her in formation only hours prior. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that pretty much everyone in the room with working eyes and ears is attuned to the commotion around them.

Mikasa would be lying if she said she wasn’t a tad bit interested herself.

“So how big was it?!”

“Big enough to look over the wall.”

More startled sounds of awe and horror.

“I heard it was big enough to step over the walls,” one guy said.

“I heard the same thing,” said another.

“That’s what they said in my village too!”

“No, it wasn’t THAT big,” the boy said. Mikasa could see in his expression he was mildly peeved and uncomfortable from all the attention he was getting.

“What about the Armored Titan?”

“That’s what they’re calling it but to me it looked like just an ordinary titan.”

At that Mikasa couldn’t stop the indignant snort she gave before it was too late. Unfortunately, the two kids of the hour and pretty much everyone else had to hear her. The boy’s large blue green eyes sharply met hers, irritation and a challenge present in his gaze. Mikasa raised a brow.

“The only aspect of that Armored Titan that could be considered comparable to ordinary titans would be its size. Even then, the only ones liable to mistake it for a regular titan would be those looking at its visage from afar. Anyone within the immediate vicinity would be able to tell you that’s not the case. Furthermore, if all titans were similar in structure to the Armored Titan, whose anatomy allots it the strength to break through the walls, the human race would’ve been wiped out a long time ago.”

“Alright, alright! Geez, I only said it _looked_ like a regular titan to me but I guess I was wrong,” the trainee said in an exasperated voice waving his hand in a mock manner of surrender.

“But for you to know that then you must’ve seen it for yourself am I right,” the boy, Armin, queried. Unlike his hot tempered friend, his gaze was more along the lines of curious and calculating than anything else. Her gut feeling told her this kid was sharp; more so than his comrade.

“Yes I have. And before you ask, I was at the gate town in Wall Maria when the Armored Titan came crashing in. And enough with the questions. I want to enjoy my dinner in peace while it’s still warm and while I still have time to eat it.”

The edge in her voice was unmistakable. Thankfully, everyone was smart enough to take her hint and back the hell off. The other two though weren’t so lucky.

“So what does a regular titan look like, anyway?”

Mikasa heard the sound of gagging before she saw it. Looking up from her stew she saw the young turquoise-eyed trainee drop his metal spoon into his bowl and put a hand over his mouth, looking like he was going to be sick.

And that’s when she got a good look at the trauma etched onto his face. His eyes were distant and his tanned features ashen. No doubt he was probably reliving whatever terrible experience he associated with those monsters. It only lasted for a little bit but she could’ve sworn she saw something akin to guilt in his eyes. She knew the haunted look of guilt well. She’d seen it in her own complexion enough to have its aesthetics memorized.

But the sentiment disappeared from his features almost as quickly as it came. She then saw his face twist itself into an angry determination; the glow in his eyes looking almost inhuman.

“Guys I really think we should stop now. I think he’s got memories he’d rather forget!”

Like they couldn’t figure that out a few questions ago?

“Sorry for being--”

“That’s not it,” he tersely cut in, taking a savage bite of bread in the process.

“Ordinary titans are really nothing but a bunch of pussies when you think about it. Once we master the 3DM Gear they won’t stand a chance--”

Mikasa was sure that at this point he was talking more to reassure himself than those around him.

“—we’ve finally become soldiers. I just swallowed wrong earlier. I’ll join the Scouting Legion and wipe the titans off this earth. I’ll kill--”

“Whoa dude, are you nuts?”

A roguish voice casually commented out of nowhere, breaking whatever trance the other had talked himself into. Everyone’s eyes, Mikasa’s included, turned to the direction where that cavalier voice originated from. Out of the corner of her eye she saw blue-green eyes narrow in agitation. Again. For such a soft looking boy, he sure was easy to stir up.

The other however, struck her as the complete opposite. His gaze swept over all of them with a nonchalance reminiscent of the MP officials she would see drinking and goofing off outside Winnie’s cheap apartment room. Come to think of it, wasn’t this the kid who quite blatantly told their instructor about how he wanted to join the MP and live in the inner district?

Jean Kirstein was his name. Already Mikasa didn’t care for him.

“Did you just say you wanted to join the Scouting Legion,” he asked, a mixed look of skepticism and amusement etched onto his rugged features. The other turned to regard him completely, his expression shifting into one of condescension and warning.

“Yeah. And you’re the one who wants to join the Military Police so you can live an easy life in the inner district right?”

Jean’s smirk only got wider at the other’s distasteful tone of voice.

“What can I say? I’m an honest man. You’re not going to see me pretending to have brass balls when in fact I’m scared shitless.”

Mikasa’s eyes slightly narrowed at his words. Good for him. He had the luxury to live a life of honesty in this cruel, dishonest world. That thought as well as this guy, and the attitude he gave off, left her with a bitter taste in her mouth. The latter boy however roughly stood from his chair, stalking towards the other in a show of anger.

“Are you talking about me,” his voice was low and challenging. His fists were loosely balled at his sides and his stance suggested he was more than ready for a fight.

“Hey now, I wasn’t…” Jean trailed off and met the other halfway with a cocky look plastered onto his long face. Mikasa rolled her eyes at the thought of the oncoming testosterone-filled throw down about to take place. Men and their pride.

Thankfully or not, the bell rang, signaling the end of dinner. Most of the trainees in the hall stood almost simultaneously and began to exit the building in a casual fashion. Jean and the other boy stood perfectly still for a moment, sizing each other up before the former sighed, his shoulders slumping in mock surrender.

“Sorry about that, I wasn’t trying to judge how you think--”

Bullshit, Mikasa thinks.

“—let’s just forget about this okay,” he finished, raising his hand in a peace-keeping gesture. The resounding aggression from the other had mostly dwindled at the offer, but Mikasa could still sense undertones of antagonistic tension between the two of them.

“Yeah, I’m sorry as well,” he said in a softer tone, only semi returning Jean’s offering handshake. He briskly turned away from him and walked out the door in measured steps.

Now that the excitement had died down, and the remainder of Mikasa’s dinner had successfully gone cold she saw little point in lingering. After disposing of the remainder of her unfinished meal (which left her mildly discontent seeing as how she hated wasting food) did she make her way to the exit--

 --and promptly stopped when she felt, more than saw, a pair of eyes roaming up and down her frame intently…

She turned to look over her shoulder.

Ah, so it was him.

Jean Kirstein all but jumped when Mikasa’s eyes met his. An embarrassed flush spread across the bridge of his nose and the tops of his high cheek bones at being caught. His smaller eyes widened almost comically. She could see him slightly fidget under her scrutiny.

“Uh sorry it’s just…I’ve never really seen a face like yours before,” he said in an awkward voice. Where was all that bravado from before?

“Is that it? I don’t like being stared at. If you’ve got something to say then come out and say it,” she deadpanned. Jean jumped as though she had snapped at him.

“Oh sorry, I…I just think that your long black hair is really pretty.”

“Thank you,” she tersely responded before turning around and walking off, not bothering to wait and see if he would say anything else.

She couldn’t help but feel a tad bit sorry for Jean despite his attitude. She knew the guy was attracted to her. She had seen that look on other men before. Whenever Winnie made a decent amount of cash she would always drag her and Revekka to the marketplace to buy them something nice (despite Revekka’s snide remarks on how she could steal for herself thank you very much). It was then that Mikasa would tug on the cloth of Winnie’s dress and point out to her the men staring straight at her. Some eyed her like a piece of meat while others were decidedly more conservative with their gazing. Whenever Winnie would smile back at the latter most of them would laugh it off and nervously walk away. The decidedly bolder ones would attempt to court her. That is, until she told them she had a going rate. After all what sensible, morally sound man would attempt to court a prostitute?

Jean was certainly the latter type of fellow though. Mikasa knew that much because he didn’t have the same hungry glint in his eyes that those in the whore house had whenever they looked at her. Even so, she still didn’t like it when people looked at her that way. It made her feel venerable. And that was another thing she didn’t want to think about…

Her first day here she had gotten to know an eccentric, perceptive food-nut, a boy whom reminded her of Revekka in more ways than one, and the laid back bastard from before who couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.

It was certainly going to be an interesting three years.

**\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_If there ever was a time Mikasa just wished her ears would just shrivel up and die already then it was now. The heady groans of the men, the soft breathy sighs of the women, and the creaking of bed frames against the walls and floorboards was becoming too much for her young, innocent ears. She was embarrassed. She was confused, and she was disturbed. She wanted to go home already._

_Too bad she didn’t have a home to go back to. And no matter what the women who worked here said, this place would never be her home. It wasn’t theirs either. It wasn’t a home to anyone. It was a prison. It trapped people like her then broke them in, both physically and psychologically. At one point those women had been just like her and one day Mikasa in turn would be just like them. It was inevitable. It was reality._

_She almost breathed a sigh of relief when she exited the main lobby, descending the stairs that lead to the basement and the underground cells where Revekka was. She had been tasked with bringing the girl her dinner, and she had taken the assignment rather eagerly. Sometimes she felt like Revekka was the one solace given to her within this stifling place._

_Approaching the door to the basement cells, Mikasa’s brows furrowed slightly. It was cracked open, which wasn’t normal. The madam was a stickler for closed doors, and the basement door was usually closed (and locked since it held the resident ‘wild hellcat’)._

_It was when Mikasa reached for the handle that she heard an animalistic, undoubtedly feminine scream that froze her in place and curdled her blood like sour milk. It wasn’t like the screams of ecstasy she had heard from other women. This was rage, pain, despair, and sorrow all in one desperate screech._

_The sensible part of her told her to run. However the morbid curiosity that had gripped her sang a different tune. Slowly she placed the tray of food on one of the stairs behind her before crouching ever so slightly to take a peek through the crack of the door at the events transpiring._

_What she saw next sent a wave of horror through her that had her fighting her gag reflex._

_Revekka was surrounded by at least four men. Two of them were holding her arms another was in between her legs holding her hips up and keeping her legs pinned down with his thighs. The final one was watching the whole scenario with a hungry look in his eyes. All of them were laughing at her attempts to break free, her screams of frustration, and her curses as the one behind her had his way. Her front was pressed into the concrete along with half of her face, which was caked in dirt and blood and horribly bruised. Green eyes flitted from one man to the other with a look so full of boiling anger it could melt glass._

_Mikasa whimpered at the horrifying sight._

_Oh god, just stop!_

_She tore away from the gruesome sight and sunk to the floor with her knees up to her chest. Her hands clasped over her ears; trying desperately to block out the sound of nails as they clawed desperately at the stone floors, the screams of her friend, the laughs, scoffs, and rhythmic groaning and grunting of the men._

_She couldn’t stop the tears as they poured down her cheeks._

_Someone please…please help! Someone!_

_She was sobbing now, making no effort to suppress her voice. There were things between men and women she didn’t understand, but even she knew this was wrong. Revekka was suffering and those men were laughing. She wanted to save her friend but what could she do? What was one small nine year old little girl against a group of fully grown men?_

_Anyone, please help…Mother, father!!_

_But the little girl only cried harder when she remembered that they were gone now. She was on her own. And the only thing she could do for Revekka right now was continue to cry and shed the tears she never would…_

**\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Drenched in sweat with tears running down her face, Mikasa all but flew out of her cot as she awoke from that terrible memory.

“Ugh…”

She froze at the small groan the person sleeping next to her gave. Sasha. Oh god, she hoped she didn’t wake her up. She didn’t want that crazy potato-girl to see her like this. Thankfully, she continued to snore obliviously into the night, dead tired and too deep into sleep to wake up to anything. Mikasa on the other hand was wide awake and hyper aware of the fact that she was still crying and had a massive headache. She brought a hand up to her head and started massaging her temples with the heel of her palm in order to appease her aching brain.

She needed fresh air. Fast.

As quickly and as quietly as she could, Mikasa slipped out of bed and out of the female barracks. She sighed in relief at the feel of the night air washing over her body. Wiping the remnants of the tears from her eyes she set out on an aimless walk, figuring that a small stroll would do well to calm her nerves. What she didn’t bet on was that someone else would be out here as well.

It was the boy with the large blue-green eyes. She found him sitting against a small dead tree. His gazed veered off into the distance; staring intently at something Mikasa was sure only he could see. Before she was aware of it Mikasa was walking in his direction with slow, almost cautious steps. Upon hearing the sound of her footsteps did he snap out of his daze. He turned around sharply, giving her a glare that vaguely reminded her of a cornered animal. Mikasa idly noted that his eyes were red, swollen and puffy.

Impossibly large teal orbs met impassive grey. Mikasa got the feeling he must’ve seen something in her face that made him relax. The tension in his shoulders dissipated and the look on his face softened out to something gentler.

“Couldn’t sleep either eh?”

Mikasa shook her head.

He sighed and turned back around to stare into nothing while Mikasa just stood there and watched him. Oddly enough, she found the silence between them a tad bit uncomfortable. Apparently she wasn’t alone in her sentiment. He turned to look at her again, eyes half lidded and brows turned upward as he patted the ground next to him.

“You can sit here if you want instead of standing there and staring at me. It’s not like I’m gonna bite you, you know,” he murmured, not looking at her as she made to sit down next to him. Mikasa brought her knees to her chest, resting her head on her knees. Another silence passed between them before he spoke up again.

“…you said you were there in Wall Maria when it happened right,” he stated more than asked in a distant voice.

“Yeah.”

“Was that what your dream was about?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“I take it that was what yours was about?”

The way his hands clenched into fists was answer enough for her.

More silence. He wasn’t the talkative type. Then again, neither was she.

“It’s not wrong you know,” she began awkwardly, looking everywhere but him.

“Hm?”

“It’s not wrong to want to fight even though you’re scared. Sometimes that’s the only way to fight…To accept anger in the place of the despair and the sorrow…To accept the will to fight in place of the fear, I think is a lot better than just giving into your own sense of helplessness. It’s harder, but it’s better. It may seem dishonest, but sometimes the truth isn’t good enough…”

As Mikasa looked at him as she finished speaking and watched his face twist into the picture of guilt and sadness she saw only a few hours prior. He directed his gaze skyward. For a moment she actually thought she saw his eyes water a little. It didn’t last long. He quickly regained his composure, bowing his head and closing his eyes, letting all of the creases on his face smooth out.

“Yeah,” was all he said.

He turned to look at her then flushed and turned back around frantically.

Mikasa furrowed her brows.

“What’s with you,” she asked.

“You’re not supposed to sit that way in a skirt,” he half shouted. The tanned skin of his cheeks and nose was stained a deep rose red. His eyes were looking at everything but her.

Mikasa looked down at her legs. Surely enough, the semi long skirt she had fallen asleep in had ridden up past her knees. The smooth alabaster skin of her legs and a small, but pertinent strip of her white panties was exposed under the moonlight. Perhaps under normal circumstances she would’ve felt a little more self conscious but the combination of embarrassment, intrigue, and irritation on his expressive face was too funny. She erupted into a small fit of childish giggles before she could stop herself.

“It’s not funny!”

“You should see your face.”

“Uegh, Never mind that! Just will you please do something about that?!”

“Why should I? I’m comfortable where I am and no one said you had to look.”

She was teasing him; enjoying his embarrassment. And judging from the vein popping in his temples, he had caught onto that.

“I’m a man dammit! It’s not like I can help it! Look, will you just hurry up and fix that already?! Not unless you WANT me to look,” he added snidely and Mikasa stopped her giggling. He breathed a sigh of relief when she stood up, smoothing down her skirt, giving him a shrewd look in the process.

“Can’t have you thinking like that, can I? I’m going back to sleep. You’ve suddenly reminded me of how tired I am.”

She watched as a snarky grin spread its way across his face.

“But we haven’t even done anything yet,” he said to her in a mock coy voice. She blinked. So he was teasing her back now was he?

“You’re cute but you’re not THAT cute,” she said sarcastically. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him roll his eyes. She turned on her heel and had begun to make her way back to the barracks when he called out to her again.

“Hey I didn’t catch your name!”

Oh right.

“It’s Mikasa. And yours?”

“I’m Eren. Eren Jaeger.”

She stiffened.

Eren Jaeger.

Jaeger…

She recognized that name.

**\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_“Eren?”_

_“Yeah. When doctor Jaeger comes to visit he’ll be bringing his son along with him and that’s his name. You’re both around the same age so you should try to get along, okay?”_

**\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

He couldn’t be...?

The memories overtook her once more.

**\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_“Why don’t you ask your father Mikasa,” her mother said in a tone half amused half awkward._

_“Hey dad…”_

_“Uh, I’m a bit hazy on the details myself. Let’s ask doctor Jaeger when he comes.”_

_A knock on the door._

_“Ah, speak of the devil!”_

**\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

“Well nice to meet you too…”

His words, both anxious and sarcastic, fell on deaf ears.

**\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_“Mikasa run!!”_

_She would if she could but what about…_

_“But mom… father,” she said vacantly unable to take her eyes of her father’s bleeding corpse slumped against the table._

_“Mikasa hurry!!”_

_“You goddamn bitch!!”_

_The man’s shout brought her out of her reverie just in time to watch helplessly as an axe was forcefully wedged into her mother’s skull. The last thing she ever saw on the face of the woman who brought her into this world was desperation as she outstretched one arm beseechingly to her only daughter._

**\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Mikasa was grateful that in the midst of her inner turmoil she had never stopped walking back to her cot; or for the fact that her back was turned to the seemingly oblivious male behind her.

Because the look on her face was something she didn’t want anyone to see right now. Least of all Eren Jaeger…

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if Mikasa seems a tad OOC, but considering the nature of this fic that's sort of a given. Don't worry I do plan to keep her somewhat in character as much as I can (considering that's what made me fall in love with her in the first placw :3).
> 
> Constructive Criticisms and commentary is appreciated and adored.


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